My Big Nose; All the Better to Smell With

I have been asked if I am a Jew countless times, by some people I have just met and by those who have known me for years. And it never surprises me when they ask because of my big nose.
My nose has been what I feel is the dominant feature of my face since the age of eleven. Classmates and friends have always teased me for the size of my nose. It seems like everybody noticed my nose, which as an adolescent, was nearly as big as the noses found on Mount Rushmore.
I can remember riding a bus in Atlanta when a friend accused me of having my hand on my face in an attempt to hide it. I could never hide this three-story apartment building on my face. My hands are big, but not that big.
Going through junior high and senior high school was some of the toughest times. Nobody is nice in high school. But I figured out if I made fun of myself first that I could stop the barrage of insults before they started.
A classmate would start to say something along the lines of, “Your nose…” and I would immediately quip, “Is probably the biggest you’ve ever seen. And just think, the nose and ears continue to grow until you die. How big do you think it will be when I’m fifty?”
Or, I would hit them with the classic line, “All the better to smell with,” as heard in the story of Little Red Riding Hood. So my nose became the butt of jokes for me, too.
“My old nose was my shtick, a song and dance I did for years. I wanted to drop it all and lead, for once. I wanted to be so out in front of things that I became invisible,” said Dan Barden in his essay, My New Nose.
Just as Barden’s nose was his shtick, I used it the same way. I had a friend from the Marine Corps ask me if I was Jewish. I blasted him with the lines, “Why? Because of this big shylock nose? Because I’m tight with my money? My dad owns a bank? Why would I have to be Jewish?” I played these stereotypes against him and he got scared as though he offended me. When I finally laughed he let out a sigh of breath he must have been holding for nearly a minute.
I like to keep people of balance when they attack what I find to be my most distracting feature. I know it is big – thanks for the reminder.
However, I have never thought of “fixing” it. It has been broken plenty of times from sparring with other Marines, or the occasional boxing match in the living room with friends. Barden had his nose fixed and it opened new doors for him.
“Psychologically, my nose had become the emblem for all that held me back, and I had had to deal with it. Some people will tell you that’s an inside job…But I believe rhinoplasty can also be a kind of spiritual growth.”
For me, I have learned to deal with it. I wear glasses when possible, but I have not decided if that attracts or detracts attention from the mountain of flesh on my face. To have rhinoplasty done would be like picking a tattoo from flash art in the shop. “Hmm, I like that one, but could you slim it up in the bridge?”
Nope, I have no idea how I would like my nose to be shaped, except exactly the way it is. So, when friends start picking on my nose, I let them. I know they are all green with envy because this olfactory sensory system is huge. I can smell who’s grilling in the neighborhood and what kind of barbecue sauce they have on their pork chops. Oh, and by the way, I was raised Missouri Synod Lutheran.